John Foley

My father was an unhappy man. He died a few years ago, and while he found some peace his last years, he was definitely not happy. He thought he was a failure, felt disappointed by life and was looking forward – far too much, in my opinion – to the heaven that his faith assured him would be a better place than this “devil’s playground.”
I think many people end up like my father, trapped miserably in their life situations. Sometimes I’ve felt like that myself. But with my 50th birthday approaching, I don’t want to waste any time in misery.
Although I don’t think there is a formula for happiness, I’m convinced that it has far less to do with life circumstances than the way we handle those circumstances. And the best way to handle them, from what I’ve seen, is to slow down and count your blessings.
I’ve handled things badly and made mistakes when I reacted out of conditioning, responding automatically rather than to the reality of the moment. Looking back, I see how much better things would have turned out if I’d said, “Wait a minute! This could be a blessing!”
Yeah, I know: sometimes those blessings are damn well-disguised.
But it’s impossible to tell one way or another if there is a rush to judgment. A hasty decision. An unthinking act.
I referee basketball, and I’ve learned that good officials have what is called a slow whistle. They see a foul or other infraction, and pause a split second – perhaps because a partner has a better angle, perhaps to clarify the nature of the call. They take their time, and get it right.
Yet what happens when we get fouled, metaphorically speaking? I know I was trained to foul back, preferably harder. My worst offense of this nature was twenty years ago, when a fiancée broke off our engagement – and was cruel about it. I wish I’d taken the high road and left the scene with class.
Instead, I wrote her a vengeful letter that I still regret. Maybe she would’ve been more compassionate if she’d slowed down to really consider things. And I would’ve avoided horrible guilt if I’d done the same, and considered the blessings she unwittingly bestowed by freeing me.
Along those same lines, I think about a friend of mine who is in prison for an uncharacteristic, violent act. While many folks are in prison precisely because their violence is characteristic, I wonder how many relatively decent people are behind bars because they did something terrible in a bad moment…Drove home drunk. Hit a spouse. Picked up a weapon.
My efforts to slow down and count my blessings are aided by my son, who is a toddler. There is a tendency for my wife and I to put things on autopilot and rush through our daily schedule. Our son, however, has his own ideas about what we should do next, and his patterns are more relaxed and natural. He helps us consider the purpose of our schedule.
It’s an ongoing process, but I know I don’t rush to judgment the way I did in the past. This was put to the test recently, when a student at the school where I teach approached me with a sheepish expression. He’d hit a home run in a softball game, and his long shot shattered the passenger window of my car. The boy was expecting anger and shouting, and it was wonderful to see his relief when I paused for a second and then gave him a shrug and a smile.
And how was that a blessing? Hmm. Well, his homer could’ve taken out the windshield.
When we take our time, others around us tend to follow suit. Just as panic begets panic, calmness begets calmness. Though I’m not a man of faith in the traditional sense, there is a Biblical quotation I admire: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
I’m vacationing with my family on the Oregon Coast, and a rainbow just appeared over the ocean as I wrote the previous line. Now, was the rainbow created by God, or is God the rainbow? Guess that’s a topic for another blog.
I’ll end this one by noting that age 50 is certainly a fine time to slow down and savor the flavor. In the years to come I may find myself rushing to keep up with my son, but other than that, I plan to take the time to observe the wonders of this beautiful world, and be thankful.