I’m planning to officiate basketball this winter, and recently completed some training. I refereed years ago in Alaska, sort of winging it, and it was good to finally learn the formalities so I don’t have to say things such as, “Foul on the dude with the pony tail, two shots.”
The dedicated professionals who ran the training camp taught us all the calls, and I couldn’t help but reflect that the world would be a better place if basketball referees controlled the game. Here are a few “players” who should be whistled for violations:
Jon and Kate: Three seconds. Camping out in the public lane. Move along, and take your eight teammates with you.
Sarah Palin: Exiting the court with time on the clock. A former point guard and current hockey mom should know she can’t leave the game early, don’t ya think?
Bret Favre: Over and back. Once you cross the line into retirement, there’s no coming back, even if the Vikings don’t suck this year.
Kanye West: Technical foul. Entering the game from the bench area without permission. Our make-up call will be a Swift kick to the cojones.
Rush Limbaugh: You’ve taken cheap shots at blacks, women, gays, liberals and little kids on a bus. That’s five and you are outta the game!
David Letterman and his blackmailer: Double foul! Flagrant foul! In flagrante delicto foul! Foul, foul, foul!
President Obama: Charging. The $700 billion you spent to bail out Wall Street and $3.6 trillion you budgeted for the next fiscal year are clearly offensive, and while you’ve made some good moves, Mr. President, we’re going the other way.
Colorado Balloon Guy: Goaltending. Interfering with the downward flight. And the upward flight. And tending goals with your kid. Count the basket and take a flying leap to the Big House.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Travelling. You moved your pivot foot in seven countries in six weeks. Not much of a violation, but we don’t coddle superstars.